I'm sitting here at my desk with a dandelion root tea in my hand, because it helps me stay sharp, because I didn't get enough sleep last night. I was awake much of the night rooting out old bits of pain and emotion. I was doing healing work in the middle of the night because, when I cleared my schedule last night to sit down and do the said healing work, my pal resistance showed up, and I got distracted. The distraction felt foggy, a 'not sure what I want to do, maybe some internet would be good' kinda fog. I am usually awesome at seeing through the voice of distraction. I'm a pro, distraction rarely gets the best of me! But last night, my dear friend resistance was playing an A-game, trying to keep me away from an old jaggedy bit of trauma rattling around in the system for way too long, one recently activated by my life situation.
Life situation: My neighbors have been doing some construction, and because of the incompetence of the contractors, I have lost my power, my water, and my heat (it's winter while I write this), and yup, I find myself getting swept up in wanting to kill the contractors. So, while it's a real bummer of a situation, wanting to actually kill them....well, that has charged up old pain written all over it.
In my past, my childhood, there was an awful lot of hell going around. And due to the incompetence of the adults, my basic needs were completely unmet, ignored, or stomped on, and often my safety was jeopardized. When the renovation issues started up, what I felt was the rage and fury of a child in torment. And that rage means it's time to make time for some healing. But yesterday, instead, I researched a million trivial funny things online. Sound familiar?
And it cost me... it cost me a good night's sleep. In the middle of the night, I awoke to the full fury. And this time, distraction was not going to work. 2am. Awesome.
So, resistance, we all know it. Sure, it's a bitch. It's hard to deal with, and it's usually much more bothersome than the actual pain. So, I'm going to write a few articles in the coming weeks outlining the games that resistance plays. I'm going to support us in getting wise to the programs of resistance. For now, just to lay some ground work, remember that our friend resistance comes from fear. As I mentioned in the last article, fear comes from our primal survival system. And our friend resistance is a movement of fear. Even though it feels just like anger, it's actually fear.
What happens is that, when we are small,we get traumatized. It happens. Our systems are still trying to figure out this whole 'how-to-live-in-peace-and-freedom' thing. Little people feel the traumas in their bodies. They are too little to emotionally process pain, so the body is the front line of defense. The body's primal survival system steps up to the plate to take care of that gyrating trauma. It grabs the vibrating ache and buries it in the body, and then encodes it to stay there. That encoding is resistance.
Resistance is like a staple that will keep the raw pain pinned in the body. And that staple has 4 layers, or about 4 different codes. I will go into detail about each code in the coming articles, but for now: let's call the first layer 'aggressive mind'. It's perfectly built to distract you away from the pain in the body. Then we have 'invisible cloak', just like in Harry Potter, causing pain to disappear the instant we go to find it. Then we have a highly irritated layer or 'I can't be in my own skin' kind of jitteriness. It can sometimes feel like 'I am going to die, have a heart attack, or I maybe I have a brain tumor.' And then my friend from last night, the foggy brain/confusion layer. It sounds like, "um, what was I doing?"
The cool thing is that resistance only has these few plays, and they are really consistent, and really noticeable if we know how to spot them. And once we are on to them, we can get out of their sticky grasps. Because no matter what resistance throws at us, we only have one simple and effortless thing to do: find the physical sensation and love the shit out of it.
Now, that old jittery bit rattling around last night was really old, and has deked me out for a number of years. I knew it was there, yet I let a play of resistance grab me, that foggy confusion. So here I am, underslept, perhaps going on way too long with you guys, tea in hand, gotten by the old coding of primal survival. And did I mention I'm shivering cuz those dudes haven't figured out how to turn the power back on? Yah, awesome.